


Luxuria

by Ernzo



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Beware: bible quotes, Big Priest Energy, Catholic Guilt, Chastity? I don't know her, Eventual Smut, Extreme touching, F/M, Father Benjamin, Father Benjamin is pure and virginal, Good girl gone bad gone good again Rey, Light Nipple Play, Loss of Virginity, Premature Ejaculation, Priest Kink, Priests, Roman Catholicism, Secret Relationship, Slow-ish burn, Sweats in Catholic guilt, Touching Ben's thighs makes him sweat, and his thighs are soft and tender, pierced nipples, sinning is winning, thigh riding, vow breaking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-03 16:15:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17287325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ernzo/pseuds/Ernzo
Summary: Luxuria: /lukˈsu.ri.a/, [ɫʊkˈsʊ.ri.a] Latin for lust,  and the Second Circle of Hell, as told by Dante Alighieri.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _Sweats in Catholic guilt_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Well, there it is. It is not completely written, as I'd hoped and I am too eager to post it. A lot of the things in this fic are based upon my own experiences, growing up Catholic and attending Catholic school for 13 years. I never saw a priest that was a hot as Ben Solo though... 
> 
> Thank you to TourmalineGreen for beta-ing for me and encouraging even more filth and sin to come. This idea came from a comment on my prompt fic, Hallelujah, about a Priest Ben and well, I couldn't get it out of my head. No timeline for posting yet, but it's my only current project, so I hope to stay on track! I hope everyone enjoys <3

_Love, that releases no beloved from loving,_

_took hold of me so strongly through his beauty_

_that, as you see, it has not left me yet._

**_Inferno_ **

_Canto V (the Second Circle: The Lustful 103-105)_

  
  


Rey was running late, as usual.

She had been trying to set up the rummage sale tables before mass began this morning, but she’d run out of time, and she knew that mass had already started. She made her way up the stone steps from the basement and slid into the church through a side door as quietly as possible, taking took a seat in one of the back pews, squeezing in near the aisle. There were a few more people on the altar than normal, a few deacons and priests, all assisting with the mass. One of them, Rey knew, was the new priest that would be joining the parish.

Throughout the mass, Rey watched all of them and wondered which was Father Benjamin. Monsignor Windu had said he was young, but Rey couldn’t tell from the back of the church who was ‘young.’ Most of them looked much younger than Monsignor Windu, so it was hard to tell.

There was one though, Rey noticed during the Communion line, that looked very young. Only a few years older than Rey, young. He was very tall, like the Monsignor, but more broad-shouldered, with long, dark hair... and he was _handsome_. Rey tried not to stare, and she ducked her head as she walked past him to return to her seat.

Surely it wasn’t him; he was far too young to be a full-blown priest, right?

Rey had grown up here, at St. Alderaan’s. She had been abandoned at the Church and was brought up by the nuns in the convent. When she’d graduated and turned eighteen, she’d left to find herself. That’s what she referred to it as, at least. Having grown up in a deeply religious environment, Rey felt like she needed to branch away, take some risks and rebel. It had been a fun time, and it was time Rey felt was well spent on her journey. There had been boys— and girls— late nights, drinking, tattoos, piercings and a lot of other things that Rey would never admit. At least not to anyone at St. Alderaan’s.

After, though, she’d decided to come home. She lived nearby and worked as a yoga instructor part-time, and the rest of her time was spent working in the rectory and elementary school. She owed so much to the Church for her childhood, she wanted to give back for everything that the Church had given her.

Now, as she stood near the door to the basement, waiting for Monsignor Windu to dismiss them and for the rummage sale to begin, Rey couldn’t keep her eyes off the young man standing to the left of the altar. Was he a deacon? No, she could see his collar. Who was he? Was he old enough to take over the parish? The Monsignor had been talking about retirement for a few years now, and had wanted to bring on someone who could take his place when the time was right. But, would he pick someone so young?

“And now,” came the booming baritone of Monsignor Windu, “before we go forth and spread the word and love of Christ, I have an announcement.”

There was a slight murmur from the gathered parishioners.

“We have a new member of our church family here at St. Alderaan’s. Joining us is Father Benjamin, from the Southern Diocese. He has worked under Bishop Yoda and will now join us and help with the responsibilities. Please give him the warmest of St. Alderaan welcomes.”

He motioned to the right side of the altar, and sure enough, the young, tall priest stepped forward with his head inclined slightly in embarrassment. He smiled out into the congregation and Rey felt a swoop in her belly before she turned and pushed through the door to the basement.

_Shit._

 

* * *

 

 

“Do you need any help?”

Rey stood upright quickly at the sound of a deep, but soft voice. She was surrounded by stacks upon stacks of clothes and she did in fact, need help.

“Oh!” She breathed, a little startled, her hand flying to smooth her hair down. “Of course! That would be lovely. Thank you, Father Benjamin.”

He smiled kindly at her and walked around the side of the card table that Rey was attempting to organize. He looked down the long row of tables filled with clothes, and Rey saw the overwhelmed look on his face.

She took in his appearance now, up close, swallowing hard. He was tall, not quite as tall as Windu, but broad. His face was long and handsome, dotted with beauty marks and a nose just a bit too big for his face, but somehow, it suited him. Dark, long hair that fell to his shoulders and brushed the edge of his clerical collar. Rey had never seen a priest so young and for some reason, it made her feel flush and warm.

“They are organized by size,” she instructed him, gesturing to the tables.  “I’m trying to get this table sorted out; there’s still a lot of bins to go through. I’m Rey, by the way.”

She offered her hand and he took it, a warm smile on his face.

“I’m glad to meet you, Rey,” he answered, again in the low, even tone from before, and Rey shivered a little at the feeling of his warm hand. “Tell me how to help. I’m not very well acquainted here, and the Monsignor sent me in your direction.”  

Rey smiled shyly, trying not to focus on his earnest brown eyes and inviting smile. She ducked down to pull more clothes out of a bin below the table.

“Well, you can just set these at the end with all the other children’s clothes…” She handed the stack to him and they began sorting.

They worked well together for nearly half of an hour, clearing most of the remaining bins quickly. As they finished, the parishioners began to file into the basement and mingle between the tables. She stepped back to observe and Father Benjamin mirrored her.

“So, Rey. What do you do here, for the Church? Do you work for the school or the church?”

Rey picked at the cuticle of her thumbnail.

“A little bit of both. I teach yoga, but I work at the school when they need me or at the rectory if they need a hand.”

He looked at her for a moment, and Rey saw a line forming between his eyebrows.

“Not that I want to discourage such a devout member of the parish,” he began, his tone measured, “but, Monsignor mentioned that you were one of the people that organize the rummage sale every year, along with many other events. It’s not often you see such young people who are so dedicated to the church.”

Rey cleared her throat a little and picked more determinedly at her nail.

“I could say the same thing about you,” she answered, deflecting a bit. She saw his eyebrows go up in surprise. She sighed.

“I grew up here. I was abandoned by my birth mother here when I was only a few days old. There used to be a small orphanage in the convent, run by the nuns. I grew up here, went to school, attended church here. This is my family.”

He moved his hand toward her, faster than she had time to react to. He placed it on her shoulder, and she shivered again under his warm touch.

“I am so sorry to hear that, Rey. But, I am glad that you have made the Church, and God, your home. I know everyone is blessed to have your kind and selfless help here. I look forward to getting to know you and working with you.”

He smiled at her and Rey felt her stomach drop. She felt warm, and her heart was beating too quickly. He was so handsome and his eyes seemed to look at her too deeply.

Over his shoulder, Rey spotted the Front Row parishioners, a group of older women, about seven of them, who attended mass every day and sat praying their rosaries in the front pew in the church. They were making an eager— very _eager_ , bee-line for Father Benjamin. Rey rolled her eyes and took a step back.

“Oh, Lord. Watch out, incoming,” she muttered to Father Benjamin, and he barely had a moment to turn and find the reason for Rey’s warning before they had descended upon him.

“Oh! Father, _welcome_! We are so glad to have you join our parish!” Trilled Agnes, one of the oldest parishioners, whom Rey had known most of her life. She had often treated Rey poorly, being an orphan, and Rey found herself praying away the hatred she felt for Agnes during her years in elementary school. She had also asked God on more than one occasion to have Agnes fall down the stairs. Those prayers had gone unanswered.

“I can’t believe he’s so young, can you, Catherine? I didn’t know they came this young anymore!” Exclaimed Susan, and they all giggled, all of them reaching out a hand to pat Father Benjamin somewhere, anywhere, on his person. Rey watched, amused, as he looked at her with wide eyes, panic clearly setting in. She took pity on him.

“All right, ladies, break it up. Poor Father Benjamin is claustrophobic, and you are scaring him half to death.” Rey walked toward them, making shooing motions with her hands and they all backed away reluctantly, scowling at her. “We will all have plenty of time to get to know him during mass, but right now, he’s helping me man this table for the rummage sale.”

They all skulked off, throwing Rey dirty looks as they went. Father Benjamin sighed in relief next to her.

“Thank you. I quite forgot how, uh, eager, new parishioners are to meet a new priest.” He brushed his long hair away from his face and Rey tried not to let her eyes linger too long.

“Well, you need to be on your A game with this lot. Monsignor Windu has been here for a very long time, and all of the Front Row crew will be watching you.”

He raised an eyebrow and Rey smiled at him. “I look forward to your first Mass, Father.”

He returned her smile. “I hope I don’t disappoint.”

* * *

 

An easy friendship blossomed between them. They would see each other often, passing by one another in the rectory or in the elementary school.

She began attending the sunrise mass at seven am, before she would go to the gym and teach her classes. For the early service, there was generally only about 15–-20 people who attended, including several of the Front Row ladies. She smiled behind her hand when they would shake his hand when they left, many lingering, and she often saw a blush creep onto his cheeks. He would look up catch her eye, and she would laugh before exiting the church through the side door.

When she wasn’t working, she volunteered at the rectory or the daycare center. She’d often see Father Benjamin as he left, while she sat playing secretary when Sister Gwendolyn went on lunch. He’d stop and smile, asking her about her day. His visits to her desk seemed to grow longer and longer each time.

She found out that he liked many of the same books as she did, and he was an avid baseball fan. He’d even offered to help coach the 8th-grade boy’s team in the spring. Sometimes, time would get away from them as the discussed philosophy, politics and sometimes, even religion. He was smart and very well spoken, and Rey loved her time with him when they found themselves deep in these conversations.  

He was funny, too. Funnier than Rey had anticipated, but Rey reasoned to herself that it might just be because she had only ever dealt with priests in a purely professional manner, She’d never befriended one before now. His humor was dry, and she found that she could make as many dark and inappropriate jokes than she dared, and he almost always laughed and took them in stride.

She looked forward to their time together, sometimes lingering long after she should have gone home just for the chance to see him, and talk to him. She wondered if he, too, longed to see her each day; if he looked for her, sought her out. Rey hoped he did, hoped he enjoyed her company as much as she enjoyed his. Where was this was heading, she wondered sometimes, their friendship, but she was eager each day to find out.

 

* * *

 

 

The door to the chapel library clicked open, and Rey turned, startled, at the sound. Father Benjamin ducked his head inside, apprehensively and smiled when he saw Rey.

“I’m sorry, did I startle you?” He asked as he walked in, closing the door behind him.

“A little,” she replied as she turned back to the shelves and continued to reshelve the books stacked on the table next to her.

“My apologies.” He walked into the room and leaned against the table next to Rey. “You’re here rather late. I was returning to the living quarters when I saw the lights on in here.”

“Hmm,” she hummed noncommittally as she shifted down the shelf, looking for the spot for the book in her hand. She reached up and slid it on to the shelf before turning back to Father Benjamin. He was sitting on the table now, flipping through one of the books in the stack next to him.

“Were you reading these?” he asked softly, as she joined him by the table.

She shook her head. “No, these were returned from the high school. I guess they were researching Marital Love and Romantic Love.”

Father Benjamin made a thoughtful noise as he turned the book over and glanced at the back.

“When I was in high school, we just liked to find the dirty parts of the Bible—the ones that the nuns would tell us we couldn’t read.”

His eyes moved to her and she smiled at him, before taking the book from his hands and moving down the shelf again.

He stood, and Rey could see him out of the corner of her eye taking a few steps toward her before seeming to think better of it. She reshelved the book and then returned to the table, this time, pulling herself up to sit on it.

He cleared his throat. “Which parts of the Bible were these, exactly? There is not much of the Bible that is,” he swallowed. “Racy.”

“There are parts of the Bible that are pretty sexy,” Rey reasoned with a smile, and he shot her a withering look.

“What? There are! You mean to tell me that the Song of Solomon isn’t sexy?”

His gaze remained wary. “I am familiar with the Song of Solomon.”

She hummed. “My friends and I would read about Solomon and how he couldn’t wait to have sex with his new wife.”

Father Benjamin cleared his throat abruptly, startled.

Rey bit her lip and looked down. “Sorry.”

He coughed again. “No, don’t apologize. There’s no need.” He took a few steps back toward her again. “We studied all those in the seminary, too.” He leaned his hip against the edge of the table.

“ _Come, my love, let’s go to the field; let’s spend the night among the henna blossoms._ _Let’s go early to the vineyards; let’s see if the vine has budded, if the blossom has opened,_ _  
_ _if the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love,_ ” he recited and Rey felt her skin heat up. His eyes found hers. “I am very familiar with the Song of Solomon.”

There was a beat of silence between them, and Rey looked at his face, the way the light in the library danced off of his features. She was treading in dangerous waters, but she couldn’t find it in herself to really care. He was a priest, he had taken vows, and surely, he would not break them. Maybe there was no harm, but deep down she wanted him to struggle, she wanted him to question his dedication. Ever since she had laid her eyes on him, she had felt something she shouldn’t, and she wondered where her actions would lead. It scared her, but it thrilled her more.

“Father,” Rey began, her voice soft. “May I ask you something?”

He nodded. “Of course, Rey.”

He was so close to her, now. If she reached out, she could touch him. She could run her hand down his chest, or touch his hair and brush it away from where it was fallen on his cheek.

“Why did you become a priest?”

The question seemed to take him aback for a moment, his eyebrows creased and his eyes darted back and forth between hers. “Oh.”

“I’m sorry, is that an inappropriate question?”

He recovered from his shock and shook his head, a shy smile spreading over his features. “No, not all, it was just not a question I was expecting. Not many ask a priest why he chooses his path. Well, I should say, no one has really asked me before.”

He took a deep inhale through his nose and sighed. “I grew up in a _very_ Catholic family. Very Catholic. My uncle is even a priest as well, and we were the model family, attending church, going to every function, taking every word of the Bible to heart. I attended Catholic elementary school and high school, and my uncle was my teacher in high school. As I came upon graduation, I really wanted to attend college and become a teacher as well. I loved my uncle and his passion for teaching. So, I went to college with the intention of getting a teaching degree, but the idea of the priesthood called to me. It was something that I always went back to. Ultimately, I graduated with a degree in theology and entered the Seminary.”

Rey listened intently, trying not to interrupt, but found herself needing to ask a question.

“But, why did you choose to take your vows? Was it an obligation to your family? Or did you want to?”

He smiled at her. “As I went through the Seminary, I found that the thought of helping others while serving God was my calling. When the time came, I chose to be ordained out of obligation to my family as well as a devotion to God and my service through his word and his teaching.”

Rey looked away, deep in thought. Her upbringing was similar to his, in a way. She, too, was brought up in the church and was raised with the deeply religious ideologies. But, she knew that that life was not for her. Even after she graduated and was given the opportunity to join the sisterhood, she knew that it was not something she could be true to. And, that’s why she went off and sought to find who she really was out there in the world. Ultimately, she came home and came back to the church with a different perspective. There were so many things that kept her from taking vows, most of all she was afraid to be lonely. She wondered if Father Benjamin was.

The air felt very heavy between them, and she felt the need to lighten the mood.

“So, tell me, why the vow of celibacy?”

He stared at her for a moment, before he laughed and shook his head. “Rey.”

“No! I’m actually serious. I know ‘why’ priests take that vow, but it seems like a poor choice in the long run.”

His gaze turned thoughtful. “Why do you think that?”

“Well, I think it’s kind of unfair to ask anyone to give up sexual intimacy, especially those who have never had the opportunity to engage in it. How can you ask someone to give up something they’ve never had? They don’t know what they are agreeing to.”

She saw the apples of his cheeks color. “And what makes you assume that it’s something that all priests have never had? Or,” he looked at her with a vaguely suspicious gaze, “something that _I_ have never had, which is what I am sure that you are implying.”

Rey felt her own cheeks turn pink now, but she soldiered on, clearing her throat.

“You made a bit of a point about how Catholic you were raised, and something tells me that that would imply premarital sex would be off limits to you.”

The corner of his lips twitched and he bowed his head. “You would be, uh” he huffed a laugh, “absolutely correct.”

He raised his head again to look at her, a soft smile on his face. “But, I don’t feel like I’m missing out by having never, what was the term you used? Engaged in sexual intimacy? It’s never been something that bothered me. And, I guess that’s why it’s something that priests, and nuns for that matter, give up. It’s a distraction and it keeps us from fulfilling the calling of our vocation.”

Rey suddenly felt very sad. “But, don’t you ever feel _lonely_?”

He stared at her, a sudden war raging in his eyes.

“Yes.”

His answer was earnest and intense, and Rey felt her breath catch. He was so covered up, in his cassock, there was nowhere for Rey to touch except his hand. She reached out and slid her fingers against his warm palm, her eyes never leaving his.  

He looked down at their hands and then back to Rey’s face, before he stepped closer to her, a wall seeming to fall between them. His other hand came to her cheek, his knuckles brushing against her skin _so_ softly, and leaving gooseflesh in its wake.

She let go of his hand and brought her arms around the broad expanse of his back. She held his gaze, hoping to convey her intentions to him as she pulled him closer to her. His hands went to rest on the surface of the table, on either side of her hips and he leaned into her embrace, allowing her to bring her arms fully around him. She felt him sigh, she felt it shudder through him as he rested his forehead against her shoulder. She turned her head, her lips almost touching his ear.

“Is this okay?” she whispered, and he nodded, one of his arms coming around her back and drawing her closer to him.

“Has anyone ever held you?” Rey asked him, and this time, her lips brushed the shell of his ear and he trembled.

“No one,” he whispered back.

 

_I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine._

_Song of Solomon 7:8_

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the wait! I was on vacation and I overestimated my ability to write on airplanes. 
> 
> The chapter count may have gone up...??
> 
> Thank you to TormalineGreen for the beta. She is an angel and I love her. Go read everything she has written!

 

_The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"_

_And let the one who hears say, "Come!"_

_Let the one who is thirsty come;_

_and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life._

_Revelation 22:17_

Holy Week dawned warm and bright. Easter was late this year, so spring was in full bloom on Monday when Rey stepped out of the rectory at lunch and stopped dead in her tracks.

Father Benjamin had parked his small pickup truck in front of the church doors, the bed filled with bags of potting soil and pallets of flowers in every color. She watched him make several trips to the truck, hefting the large bags of soil over his shoulder and carrying them to the barren flower beds that he was planting in preparation for Easter Vigil. On his final trip, when he dropped the bag, Rey watched as he grabbed the hem of his black t-shirt, a great departure from his usual long, conservative cassock, and lift it to wipe the sweat from his face.

Her mouth went dry. She saw the long expanse of his abdomen, flat and pale, and even from the distance she stood at, she could make out a dusting of moles littered over his skin. She felt sweat beading at her own brow as she watched, allowing her friendship with Father Benjamin to descend into full-blown lust right at this very moment.

They had not spent much time alone, since the night in the library. They had remained, there in the soft and comforting embrace of each other, for quite sometime before Father Benjamin had slowly pulled out of her arms, his face flush, his throat bobbing as he swallowed.

He’d cleared his throat and smoothed down the fabric of his cassock, and Rey saw his eyes dart around the room, trying to look anywhere but her face.

“Father,” she’d begun—but he had shaken his head and wished her an abrupt goodnight before exiting the library as quickly as he could, leaving Rey alone among the books, confused at him and at herself.

Since then, it felt like he had been avoiding her, and especially avoiding any situation that would lead them to be alone. Rey felt sad, missing his company, and she wondered if she had pushed too far, touching him, holding him close in the near dark that night.

He still spoke to her, engaging her in appropriate, measured conversation when there were others around, but it wasn’t the same.

Now, as she watched the hem of his T-shirt fall and conceal his skin again, Rey felt the sense of loss and longing again. She missed him and she knew that it wasn’t just his conversation and humor that she missed. She had only gotten a taste, but his missed his nearness, his touch. He’d held her so firmly against his wide chest, and all she wanted was to be close to him again.

Well, maybe it wasn’t all she wanted.

He dropped his hands to his hips and looked around at the bags and the flower beds before glancing back in the direction of his truck and, therefore, at Rey.

Rey saw him smile when his eyes found her, and he brought a hand up to give her an easy wave. She smiled back and crossed the driveway to join him in front of the church.

“I almost didn’t recognize you, dressed so casual,” she quipped when she got within earshot. As she walked past the truck, she grabbed a flat of flowers that still remained in the bed and carried it to him.

He laughed and rolled his eyes, reaching to relieve her of her burden. “I do have other clothes.”

“I’m glad,” she replied, smiling. “I think I like this better.”

She saw his cheeks turn red and a shy smile spread over his face, and he took a step back from her to place the flowers on the ground.

“Would you like some help planting these?” Rey asked as she looked at the work he had already completed.

He smiled. “Sure. It will be nice to have company.”

They began to plant rows of spring annuals—pansies, petunias, snapdragons, gerber daisies in all different colors near the hedges that lined the entrance walkways to the church. Father Benjamin would carry the heavy bags of soil and spread it along as Rey followed and planted the flowers. They worked well together, moving seamlessly and in sync until nearly all of the flowers were planted.

As Rey finished up the last flat, Father Benjamin joined her, crouching down next to her, his body close to hers. Rey felt a flutter starting in her belly as she watched his arms flex and glisten in the spring sun.

“Father,” Rey began, her voice soft. He hummed in response as he dug the trowel in to create space for the flower he was holding. “Is everything okay,” she hesitated for a moment. “Between us?”

He stopped, abruptly, as he was patting the soil down around his freshly-planted petunias. He sighed and rocked back onto his heels, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand.

“Yes, Rey. I’m sorry. I know that I’ve been acting a bit strange.”

Rey quickly protested. “No, you haven’t!” But he waved a hand at her.

“No, it’s okay, I have. I should be honest with you.”

He looked at her and his eyes were kind and apologetic. “Our friendship is very important to me. I was never expecting to find someone that I would relate to and find so engaging, and it’s taken me off guard quite a bit. I’ve never been in a position like this before.”

Rey suddenly felt very guilty for her lustful thoughts. “I’m sorry if I’ve caused you any discomfort…”

He sighed again. “You haven’t, not at all. I’m just… adjusting. Forgive me for being distant.”

She nodded. “Of course, but there is nothing to forgive.”

He smiled at her. “Thank you.”

They fell silent and Rey looked around at all the flowers that they had planted.

“I have to admit though,” he continued, his voice lower than before. “My main struggle has been with,” he hesitated and Rey turned back to look at him again. His gaze was set on her, and it made Rey want to shiver even in the warm sun. “The touching.”

Rey’s eyebrows creased, her mouth parting in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

He sighed, casting his eyes down before looking back at her, determined but Rey saw a touch of trepidation, of uncertainty.  

“The way you touched me, held me. No one has ever done that. I crave it again, to be near you, to touch _you_. It seems like something I should not want; it seems like something that might lead to temptation…”

Rey reached out a hand, placing it on his shoulder to comfort him.

“You are my friend, Father. I will only do what you feel comfortable with.”

Inside, Rey screamed. Being near her was causing him to worry about temptation? Could he _possibly_ be feeling something toward her? What did that mean?

He looked at her hand on his shoulder and then back into her eyes. “I want to be near you, talk to you. I have been so rarely touched by someone in my years since becoming a priest. I _miss_ it.”

Her heart pounding, Rey tried to remain calm and not reveal her true, traitorous feelings. She squeezed his shoulder and withdrew, a smile on her face. “We can do that. We can do anything you’d like; you set the boundaries. I don’t think God would object to that. We are friends.”

He smiled at her, crinkled eyes and pointed teeth and Rey’s heart fluttered again.

“Friends.”

Rey nodded.

“Well, in that case, please, when it’s just us, call me Ben.”

Rey was taken aback for a moment, almost forgetting that priests had names besides their title. _Ben._

“Ben?”

He hummed and shifted to stand, offering his hand to help her up.

“That’s my given name, Ben. When I was ordained, I simply chose my full name to go by. My parents still call me Ben and a few others.” He smiled at her. “And now you.”

She nodded and smiled at him in return. “Ben.”

* * *

 

On Wednesday, Rey was rushing to church. Her class had run late, and then she was held up by a soccer mom who was trying to ask— without actually asking— if yoga would help her sex life.

When she finally got to the church, she hurried in and sighed; the church was full of all of the students coming for reconciliation before the Easter holidays, meaning she would likely have to wait a little while for her turn. She remembered being one of those children, sitting and waiting to enter the confessional, trying to remember all of the sins she had committed since the last time she had attended confession, nervously waiting to tell Monsignor Windu how she pushed someone on the playground at recess or took a pencil without returning it. Now, she felt like that all over again, except her sins were far more serious. Sure, she had done plenty of noteworthy things against church teachings, mostly the sex with other women, but she hadn’t done that in quite some time, but her current sins... well, those were trickier to confess.

As she waited, it dawned on her that she didn’t know which confessional Father Benjamin was in. Her attraction to him was growing, and it was becoming more and more difficult to pretend she didn’t want to try something more. She _knew_ she shouldn’t; knew it was a bad idea to try to, well, seduce a priest. But, she couldn’t help it. She was falling for him—his smile, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, the way he said her name. How he loved and sought her touch, even in a platonic way. She dreamed of him holding her, kissing her, telling her all the things she wanted to hear. Her dreams were lustful, and she would wake up panting and damp between her thighs for him.

Would this be what she confessed? What if her priest was Monsignor Windu? Or even worse, Father Benjamin? She could only hope it was one of the other, out-of-parish priests that traveled to help the largest parish during the Easter holidays.

As she sat in the back of the church, chewing her thumbnail and waiting her turn, she tried to calm herself. Surely the odds were in her favor not to have Ben be the priest in her confessional. She had seen all of the confessionals being used, all ten of them, so she took a deep breath and reasoned with herself that she would be fine.

She was startled out of her reverie by Sister Rose, calling her name softly from the other side of her pew.

“Rey, you can come to enter the confessional now, the children are nearly finished.”

Rey nodded and stood, making her way to the outside of the pew toward the doors of the confessionals.

“Number four is open if you’d like to go to that one.”

She took a deep breath and made her way toward to indicated door. She stepped inside.

The light was dim in here, the faint hue of red from the curtains that lined the wall. Rey placed her bag on the floor and dropped onto the kneeler in front of a small pane of frosted glass, currently covered and obscuring the other side from view.

She waited, her hands folded in front of her, trying to collect her thoughts. Then, she heard the sound of the window sliding open.

“Good afternoon,” came Ben’s voice, and Rey felt her heart sink and then speed up rapidly. “In the name of the father…” he instructed and Rey followed, making the sign of the cross over herself, her hand suddenly shaking and her throat dry.

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been about one month since my last confession.”

There was a small noise from him, a hitch in his breath.

“Tell me of your sins,” Ben murmured, his voice low. Should she keep her true sins to herself? What would be the point of confession if she lied to the priest about her sins? What if her sins were about said priest?

She took a deep breath.

“I have sinned, Father. I have taken the Lord’s name in vain, I have coveted, I have lied. I have,” she hesitated and decided to confess, truly confess to God and to Ben. “I have lusted.”

There was a moment of silence before Ben spoke. “Rey, these sins are common. God loves us and understands our humanity. Have you prayed to God for guidance and help with overcoming these temptations?”

“Yes, Father. I have prayed and I still am tempted by lust... lust for someone I should not lust for. I have thoughts and dreams, and try to fight them, ignore them because I know it’s not right, but I find that I like them, that I welcome these feelings.”

She felt breathless as she spoke, eager and afraid of his reaction.

“In order to be absolved of your sins, you must be contrite, you must want to seek forgiveness and you must strive to avoid committing the same sins again,” he counseled, his voice taking a measured tone.

“And if I cannot?”

There was a long moment of silence before he replied, his voice low, almost a whisper.

“If you cannot what?”

“Avoid committing these sins. I don’t want to stop feeling this way. I want to explore them, I want to sin _more_ , I want to sin worse. What should I do, Father?”

“There can be no absolution without contrition.”

His voice was barely audible now, and she could hear his breathing, loud and ragged.

Rey could hear her blood in her ears. She felt bold and slightly reckless.

“No absolution from whom?”

“From God.”

“And what of your absolution?” she asked, her voice shaking.

“Rey,” his voice held warning now, and Rey feared she had gone too far.

“If you cannot offer me absolution, then I should go.”

Rey stood, exiting the confessional as quickly and as calmly as possible.

“Rey, wait!” She heard Ben’s voice, hushed and urgent behind her as she closed the door quietly behind her. As she turned, she noticed several parishioners waiting nearby looking at her curiously, but she ignored them and hurried to the side door that led to the basement.

She was shaking, her breath ragged in her own ears as she moved quickly down the stairs to the basement. She tried to focus on each step, her hand steady on the railing as she descended, to keep her mind from blowing into a full panic.

When she entered the basement rec room, the same from the rummage sale, she made a beeline for the boxes and boxes of Easter Liturgy programs that she needed to put into baskets for the service on Sunday. She began to pull them from the boxes, counting the amount in each stack as she moved them to the baskets, in an attempt to quiet her mind and move her focus.

She was halfway through the first box when she heard the door open. She looked up and watched as Ben came striding toward her with purpose, long tails of his cassock billowing behind him and she barely had time to prepare herself before his hand had slid into her hair and his lips were pressed against hers.

The sound that left Rey’s mouth was somewhere between a moan and a sob, but she kissed him back with abandon, her arms grabbing at his shoulders as he pressed her back against the cool stone wall of the basement. His kisses were urgent, frenzied and uncoordinated, and Rey could barely keep up with the clumsy pace he had set. He pulled her against him urgently, a hand trailing down over her hip, his long fingers curling behind her knee and pulling her leg up to hook over his hip. She moaned as his leg slotted between hers, her head falling back to expose her throat to him.

Rey could feel him, hard against the inside of her thigh; she tried to shift to bring him closer, and she heard him groan, the vibration tickling her throat as his lips continued to nip and kiss her skin, his hand gripping her hip in an attempt to still her. She was panting, her fingers winding into his hair and her back arching to press her chest closer to his.

He brought his lips back to hers, his hand leaving her hair and sliding up the wall next to her, his large frame pressing her more firmly into the stone wall. His lips slowed, his hand wrapping around the small of her back, and finally, he broke away, pressing his forehead to hers.

“Rey…”

She was trying to catch her breath, her fingers sliding free from his hair to rest against his chest.

“I hope,” he murmured, taking a step back to look at her face. “That you were talking about _me_ up there just now.”

She smiled at him, her eyes roaming his face, the flush of his cheeks, his swollen lips.

“I was.”

He leaned forward again, his lips pressing hers again, this time softly, a much more chaste kiss, but it still made Rey’s toes curl. He sighed against her mouth.

“What are we going to do?” he asked, his arms coming around her and pulling her to his chest. “We can’t…”

Rey pulled back and brought her hand to his face. “I don’t want to stop feeling this way—feeling the way I feel when I’m with you.”

He closed his eyes and his head dropped back, a groan ripping from this throat.

“It’s a sin,” he lamented after a moment, his head rolling forward again to meet her eyes. “It’s a sin that I want to keep committing, too. There is no absolution for me, either.”

“What will we do?”

He shook his head and kissed her once more. “I don’t know.”

His lips lingered, moving over hers softly, exploring now, learning and feeling. He broke away, breathless and chuckled against her mouth.

“You are the first girl that I have kissed since I was fourteen.”

Rey giggled. “Really?”

He hummed and kissed her again.

“I feel very special,” she said when he broke away again.

He looked into her eyes, suddenly very serious.

“You are.”

 

* * *

 

 

Over the next few days, they met in secret, sometimes early in the morning before sunrise mass, or late in the evening, in the library. They mostly talked, the same way they had before, but something had changed for Ben. He was eager to touch her, be near her. His hands were always on her, brushing against her, seeking out bare skin. And when she touched him, _oh_ how he loved it. Her fingers in his hair, her lips on the tender skin behind his ear. He responded so strongly that Rey found that she liked to seek out as much skin as she could find when he was buttoned up in his cassock, just to hear him gasp and feel his fingers tighten on her thigh.

He was a novice at kissing, but a _very_ fast learner. He was just as eager to kiss as he was to touch, sometimes too eager, and he would get a bit ahead of himself. But, Rey was very patient and oh so smitten with him, letting him kiss how he wanted before slowing him down to show him what she liked. Soon, he had a rhythm that made Rey pant and groan into his mouth as he held her or pressed her against the wall.

There was no discussion about _what_ they were doing, but an understanding that they were doing was something they both wanted. The reality of the situation was something that neither of them was keen on dealing with just yet.

On Saturday night, they were in the library, together in a back corner that couldn’t be seen from the door.

She was sitting, once again, on the book cart, Ben between her legs with his hands planted on the surface next to her hips, much like their first night here. His face was buried in her neck, his nose tracing along the skin as she shivered, her arms wrapped around his shoulders with her fingers in his hair.

He sighed.

“My parents are coming here tomorrow.”

Rey’s hands stopped tracing circles against his scalp.

“What?”

He pulled back enough to look at her, kissed her softly before pulling back further. Rey smiled, she loved that he couldn’t seem to stop kissing her, always taking the opportunity if it presented itself.

“Monsignor has allowed me to be the one to lead the Easter Vigil tomorrow. It will be my first one and my parents want to come to see it.”

Rey reached for him and as always, he eagerly accepted her touch.

“Are you nervous?”

He nodded his head as he stepped back into her arms. “My parents are very strict Catholics, like I’ve told you before. I hope that everything goes well tomorrow or I’m sure my mother will have something to say about it.”

“I’m sure you’ll be wonderful,” Rey murmured as her hands slid over his chest.

“I’d like you to meet them,” he said as he took one of her hands in his own, lifting it to his mouth to place a kiss on her palm.

“Is that a good idea?” Rey asked, suddenly very aware of her current position, holed up with their priest son in the church library as they touched and kissed and broke vows.

“I want them to know how important you are. They don’t have to know anything else.”

She moved her hand from his and cupped his cheek, her heart fluttering at his words. She couldn’t remember ever feeling so _fond_ of someone in her entire life. He was so soft and so gentle with her, she was almost sad that there had been no one who had been close enough to him before to experience this side of him.

“They don’t have to know that I’m actually corrupting their son?”

A smile tugged at his lips as he leaned his face toward hers. “No, we will wait to tell them that part.”

He kissed her again, and Rey was trying very hard to be patient and respectful of the pace he was setting. This was all new to him and Rey was sure he would not be eager to move fast and fall even more deeply into sin. However, she would often go home from their rendezvous wet and frustrated, touching herself and moaning his name when she came. She wanted to feel him, writhe against him and seek satisfaction from his body. She longed to feel him hard again against her, like the day in the basement, but _somehow_ it had never happened since.

His hands roamed her back, his fingers digging in as her tongue slipped into his mouth to find his. That had been his favorite so far, mastering kissing and using his tongue. The little noises and groans that come from him always made Rey feel warm and needy.

She shifted, pressing her hands against his abdomen and moving her hips, indicating that she wanted to stand. He stepped back, confused and breathless and allowed her to pass him. His eyes went wide and more confused when she grabbed him moved him to take her place on the book cart.

She stepped between his legs and he understood, drawing her into his arms in an instant and slotting his mouth against hers once more.

Their tongues moved together, the rhythm and the tension reaching higher and higher. His hand slid from her shoulder around toward her breast and she arched, her body aching for his attention. But then he stilled.

“I’m— uh,” he said, rather incoherently as he pulled away, his eyes moving to focus on her chest. He licked his lips as he stared, his eyes flickering to hers in silent question. “Is it— can I? No. No, I shouldn’t.”

Rey smiled softly and moved one of her hands to cover his, where it lingered— safely— at her shoulder.

“Do you want to?”

He pinched his eyes shut and nodded. “I shouldn’t. There’s already so much that I have done, so much temptation that I have succumbed to. I should stop.”

His eyes opened and they were nearly black. Rey was ready to agree, respect him and step away. But, he made a sort of pained noise and tightened his grip on her shoulder. “But, I want to. I want it.” He licked his lips again and his eyes searched hers. “I want _you._ ”

She leaned forward and kissed him softly before stepping away again.

“Do you want to see?” She asked softly, guiding his hand lower, over her chest until it rested over her heart. He nodded.

She let go of his hand and began to unbutton her blouse. His hand never moved, his eyes fixed on her hands as they worked each button free of its hole. Only when her shirt was open did he move his hand, his fingertips brushing her ribs as his breath quickened.

He stared, a bit slack-jawed at her modest cleavage; Rey had worn a rather boring bra under her blouse, but it was just a little lacy and held everything in nicely.

“Have you ever seen… before?” Rey asked, unsure of how to word it. She didn’t want him to think she was making fun or talking down, she just genuinely wanted to know.

He simply shook his head and Rey watched as his eyes danced over her skin, drinking in every detail to her. Rey found she was very affected by his perusal of her, her skin felt hot and she knew her panties were ruined.

Finally, after several long moments, he lifted his hand and moved it toward her chest. He hesitated, whispering a barely audible, “May I?” before Rey nodded and placed her hands on his thighs.

His fingers were light, like a moth’s wing, dusting tentatively over her exposed skin. He drew one finger down the valley between her breasts and Rey couldn’t help but moan, so incredibly desperate for his touch where she needed him. Her hands slid higher on his thighs as she leaned more fully into his touch and her fingers tensed as he brushed his hand over where her nipple was concealed under the fabric of her bra.

She bit her lip and groaned as he brushed his fingers back again in the same place, his eyes flickering to her face to gauge her reaction.

“Is that okay?” he asked, and she nodded frantically, eager for anything he was going to give her.

“Yes,” she sighed as he did it again, her nipples pebbling against the fabric of her bra. His breath was loud as he moved closer to the edge of the cart, drawing her more fully between his legs. Her hands moved higher and higher on his thighs, and she could feel the heat of him against her. She knew he must be hard, but she wasn’t sure that he would be comfortable just yet for her to touch him.

“Can I see… more?”

Rey nodded, moving to unlatch the front clasp of her bra. He watched with rapt attention as the fabric went slack, revealing more of her skin to his eager eyes.

Rey had forgotten momentarily that her nipples were pierced, a souvenir from her wild late teens and early twenties. She liked them— they were _pretty_ — so she had kept them all this time, but they were generally an afterthought, part of her life that she didn’t think twice about. Now, however, she remembered them, and she wondered what Ben would do when he saw them.

He took control now, with a determined set of his jaw, using both hands to brush the loose cups of her bra to the side, his palms rubbing over her nipples as he pushed the fabric aside. He stilled and Rey moaned, her fingers gripping his thighs so hard she was sure she was leaving marks.

“What…” he asked softly as he raised his hands to look before his eyes went wide. She glanced down to see her nipples, hard and red, a small bar pierced through each.

Both hands cupped a breast in each, and he gently, so gently, thumbed each nipple and Rey gasped and moaned deeply. “Ben.”

His fingers tightened over her and he leaned closer, his lips brushing against hers. “Do they hurt?”

She shook her head. “It feels wonderful.”

His breathing was labored as he began to gently caress her, his thumbs brushing against her nipples again.

“How long have you had these?”

Her fingers began to mirror his caresses, working the skin of his thighs and moving just high enough to brush him softly where she could definitely feel how hard he was.

“I got them when I was nineteen.”

His face was flushed and his pupils blown, his long hair falling into his face. He was nearly panting as he stared at his hands as they massaged her.

“Ben…” she breathed and she heard him groan, a deep throaty noise, and his whole body shuddered around her. He pinched his eyes shut and let out a small, startled noise, his grip tightening and then releasing her abruptly, panting and dropping his head to her shoulder.

Rey brought her arms around him quickly, pulling him close as he shuddered, his hands clawing at her back to draw her closer.

“Ben? What’s wrong?” she whispered urgently, but he shook his head. She held him until he stilled and pulled back to look in her eyes.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded and she saw a look of embarrassment color his features. He looked down at her chest, still exposed, almost regretfully.

“I—uh, well. That might have been,” he shifted away from her and winced. “That might have been a bit too _much_ —“

Realization dawned on Rey instantly.

_Oh._

She leaned forward and kissed him, firm and sweet, cupping his face in her hands, before stepping back from him more fully.

“I’ll just,” she moved to close her bra and he nodded, staring at her breasts as they disappeared into her bra again.

He hung his head and closed his eyes as she buttoned her blouse, and Rey began to feel guilt creep into her mind.

“I’m sorry,” Rey whispered as she stepped closer to him once her clothes were back in place.

His eyes snapped to hers and his eyebrows creased. “What do you have to be sorry for?”

Rey shrugged. “I hope I didn’t push you or ask too much of you…”

She trailed off as his arms came around her again.

“You have nothing to apologize for. That was,” he blew out a sharp breath that sounded like a laugh and shook his head. “That was wonderful. I’m just a bit overwhelmed by all of this. And by you.” He kissed her. “You are the Divine. I know why Adam ate the apple from the tree of knowledge at Eve’s urging.”

Rey blushed and looked down and he pressed his lips to her cheek.

“Maybe we should call it a night,” he whispered, and Rey nodded.

“You have a big day tomorrow,” Rey agreed.

“Yes. And I am in a bit of a desperate need for a shower and a change of clothes.”

“Oh!” Rey exclaimed and jumped away from him. “I’m so sorry! Of course.”

He laughed and shook his head. “It’s okay.” He reached a hand to her, drawing her close so he could kiss her again. “I’m looking forward to that again. Maybe with a little warning, it will be easier to control myself.”

She shivered and nodded, looking forward to getting home to find some relief from his touch and his words.

He kissed her again and pulled back. “You go out first. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She was loath to leave him but agreed, moving backward away from him.

“You’ll be wonderful, I know you will.”

He smiled with a wave of his hand and Rey turned the corner around a shelf of books and he was out of sight.

 

_Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight;_

_be intoxicated always in her love._

_Proverbs 5:19_


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easter Vigil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yee-haw
> 
> thank you as always to tormalinegreen for making this perfect. I would be lost without her and her love of Father Benjamin

_ The LORD your God is in your midst _

_ a mighty one who will save; _

_ he will rejoice over you with gladness; _

_ he will quiet you by his love; _

_ he will exult over you with loud singing. _

**_Zephaniah 3:17_ **

  
  


Rey took extra care getting ready the next morning, curling her hair and applying her makeup very carefully. She'd bought a dress, flowy and fit for spring; it was white and covered in flowers, had ruffled straps, and fell just below her knee

By the time she arrived at the church, she was very nearly late, earning her a wry look from Monsignor Windu and she hurried through the back of the church where they were waiting to begin their procession in.

“Cutting it a little close, Rey?” he whispered as she rushed by, but she smiled, checking her watch. 

“I think I’m right on time,” she whispered back as she slid through the doors, with a final glance at Ben, who looked like he wanted to throw up. 

She slipped into the back row— the only space available in the packed church— as the opening hymn began. She turned as everyone stood and watched as the back doors opened and the procession entered the church. 

Ben was at the front of the group, leading the procession. He looked very handsome— despite looking nervous and clammy— dressed a crisp, white chasuble, with intricate gold embroidery, and a deep purple trim. Monsignor Windu followed next, along with a few visiting priests and altar servers. Ben looked at her as he passed, a weak smile coming to his lips before his eyes focused once more at the front of the church. 

They walked slowly toward the altar, taking their places and when he turned, he caught Rey’s eye once more and she saw him take a deep breath and relax. 

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit…”

 

* * *

 

It was a lovely service, and Rey hoped that Ben was proud of himself, successfully leading the largest mass of his life, in front of the entire parish. His homily was thoughtful— and frankly, a bit lengthy— but Rey found that she could have listened to him talk all day about rebirth and unconditional love. She hid her smile as he walked the aisle when he spoke, lingering near the back as he spoke of Jesus dying for all of our sins, no matter how sinful. If he could have winked at her, he likely would have. 

The line for the Eucharist was long with the church filled to capacity. Rey waited patiently in Ben’s line, and when she accepted communion from him, she felt his eyes on her as she turned and made the sign of the cross, before returning to her seat. 

By the time Ben dismissed them, to go and share in God’s love with each other, she could see he had completely relaxed, or maybe he was just relieved that it was over.

After the church emptied, Rey rushed around with a few of the nuns to clear up discarded programs and neaten the church once more. When everything was in order, she draped her cardigan over her arm, pulled her bag over her shoulder, and stepped out into the courtyard in front of the church, where many people were still gathered, taking pictures with the flowers that she had planted with Ben. 

She saw him, off to the side, standing with an older man and woman that Rey had never seen at church before. The man had salt-and-pepper hair, with a kind face that held a very pronounced look of boredom as Ben spoke to the woman. She was quite a bit shorter than him, but she clearly was controlling the conversation.

Ben glanced up and saw Rey, his face spreading into a relieved smile as he raised his hand to beckon her toward him. She saw the man, which she assumed was Ben’s father, look in her direction as well, his eyebrow quirking when she looked at her. 

“Rey,” Ben greeted warmly when she reached them. 

She smiled softly at him. “Father Benjamin.”

“Rey, these are my parents,” he confirmed as he pointed toward them. “My mother, Leia Organa, and my father, Han Solo.”

Rey smiled at each of them and shook their hands. “It’s very nice to meet both of you. Father has told me so much about his family. I’m so happy to finally have to chance to meet you.”

Leia beamed. “We wouldn’t miss his first Easter Vigil for the world. He did a wonderful job, didn’t he, Han?”

Han grunted and Rey got the impression he didn’t give praise freely. She glanced at Ben and saw him swallow, his eyes falling to the sidewalk at his feet. 

“I liked your homily very much,” Rey encouraged softly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch him. “It was interesting, and I liked hearing your perspective.”

He smiled at her and nodded. “Thank you.” 

“Rey,” Leia addressed her, her smile wide. “We are going to lunch, we would love it if you would join us! I’d love to hear about the church and the school from someone other than Ben. He’s very dry about it.”

Rey glanced at Ben who rolled his eyes.

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly intrude on your family meal.”

“Nonsense! Unless you have other plans?”

She bit her lip; she didn’t. She often spent Easter by herself, or with friends. But, she hadn’t really made plans with anyone this year. 

“All right, I guess I’ll come with you,” she agreed softly, as one of the straps of her dress slipped off her shoulder. She saw Ben’s eyes zero in on it, his lips parting ever so slightly as she reached to put it back into place. 

Leia beamed and Rey saw Ben’s cheeks turn pink. 

“Wonderful!”

They spoke for a few more minutes, discussing where they were going and how they were going to get there. They would take two cars, and Rey volunteered to drive Ben back to St. Alderaan’s so Leia and Han could begin their long drive back home. 

“I just have to go change,” Ben said, still in his chasuble from mass, as they made their plans to leave. 

“Okay, we will wait by the cars!”

Rey and Ben’s parents made their way through the parking lot, which was thankfully emptying by the time they found themselves there.  They waited for Ben, making small talk about Rey’s job and about how she came to be at St. Alderaan’s.

Fifteen minutes later, Ben walked up, dressed a bit more casually than usual in a pair of dark wash jeans and a deep blue sweater that looked lovely against his skin, if Rey said so herself. 

“Would you like to ride with your parents?” Rey asked as they began to walk to their respective cars. 

“Oh,” Ben said and looked at them, clearly not having given it much thought. “Oh, maybe I will ride with you.” He smiled at her. “More leg room.”

Rey rolled her eyes with a smile and glanced at Ben’s parents who were looking at them strangely. Well, Leia was looking at them strangely, Han was looking at them with a smirk on his face. Ben cleared his throat. “Ah, actually. Maybe, I will ride with them.” 

Rey nodded and walked to her car alone, not glancing back. She never gave much thought to the way they interacted with each other now, and they were very rarely around other people, and she guessed that was probably for the best. They were too casual, too familiar. And, after last night, she felt much closer to him than before. 

They went to a local restaurant, a fairly nice one that Rey didn’t often go to because it was pricier than she was used to spending on food for herself.  Han and Leia went ahead of them when they arrived, to the hostess to check in for their reservation while asking to add another person to the party, leaving them alone and forced to stand very close together in the busy lobby. She felt him so near to her, his body warm, and as someone bumped into him from behind, he lurched forward into her, and Rey felt his hands slip around her waist to steady her. 

“Sorry,” he murmured and she glanced up at him quickly, his face so close, and his hands lingered, sliding against the material of her dress. There was a moment, suspended in time, where he simply held her against him and they just stared at each other, a moment full of so many unspoken things before someone else bumped into him and the spell was broken. He shifted away from her, back to a more appropriate distance before Han and Leia even turned around, but not before sliding his hand into hers, with a gentle squeeze before pulling away completely. 

They followed the hostess to the table, and Rey found herself seated between Ben and Han, with Leia directly across from her. Ben shot her an apologetic look before squeezing her thigh gently under the table and glancing at his menu. 

Lunch went better than Rey thought it would. Ben’s parents were engaging and easy to talk to. She enjoyed hearing story after story about young Ben, pre-priesthood. Shattered was her image of an innocent, bookish adolescent. Instead, Leia told stories of a hard-headed and rebellious teenager, who wanted to stay out late with his friends and  _ never  _ wanted to attend church on Sundays. Rey stared wide-eyed at him in disbelief as Han told a story of him sneaking off one night to his friend Poe’s house to play a brand new video game that had been released. 

“Boy, was he lucky it was me that found him at Dameron’s and not his mother. It was the Saturday night before Easter, too, if I remember right.” 

Ben sat very still, his face a mask as Han finished the story, keeping a firm hold of his composure, but Rey saw the flush on his cheeks as he chewed his lip and the hand that had been secretly stroking her ankle under the table went still. 

Leia, on the other hand, looked giddy at the recollection of the story. “He’s right! I would surely have murdered him if I’d been the one to go there.” She sighed happily. “But, he turned out all right, even with the rebellious stage.”

“This is  _ fascinating, _ ” Rey said, beaming at Ben. He narrowed his eyes at her and cleared his throat. 

“Yes, and then I decided to follow in Uncle Luke’s footsteps, and he was a rebel in his day, too.”

“Ah, well yes,” Leia agreed, with a smile. “There was that one time…”

 

* * *

 

 

They say their farewells in the parking lot, and Ben climbed into her car as his parents pulled away. 

“It’s early,” Ben murmured as they merged onto the highway, “We don’t have to go back to the church right away.”

She nodded, her throat feeling dry all of a sudden. “What should we do instead?”

Rey watched his fingers drumming on his thigh as she came to a stop at a red light. 

“Would it be too forward of me to ask to see your apartment?”

Rey shook her head quickly. “No, not at all. We can go there.”

Ben hummed and nodded. “Okay.”

He was too big for her apartment. That’s her first thought as they entered. Her small, one bedroom seemed to shrink the moment all six foot three inches of him walked through the door. She was overwhelmed to have him in her space, and if she was honest, more than a little turned on. They were truly alone, no one to interrupt, no one to catch them as they snuck around the library of the chapel, wholly and truly alone. She felt like she had to escape to the kitchen to keep herself in check, otherwise, she just might have jumped him in the foyer.  

When she came back from the kitchen, calmer and with two beers, she found him looking around her living room, hands behind his back, inspecting all of her pictures and knick-knacks. 

He smiled when she came up beside him, accepting the beer from her and taking a long sip from it; Rey tried not to stare at his throat as he swallows. 

She sat down on her small, second-hand sofa with a sigh, and he dropped onto the floor, his head tilting back to rest on the cushion next to her. 

“Today was a long day,” he said softly, taking another sip of his beer, his eyes slipping closed. “But a good day.” 

She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, and low hum escaped his throat. “Your parents are very nice.” 

He snorted and opened his eyes to glance at her. “My mother is the greatest showman on earth, and my father is along for the ride.” 

“What do you mean?”

“My mom is… well, she’s like every mother that I grew up with. Our house was always clean and perfect and ready for company, we always had people from the church and school over, and she was always so happy to show off our perfect, Catholic life. My uncle the priest, and then, her son the priest. My dad just did what he was told and kept to himself for the most part.”

Rey hummed, taking a sip of her own beer now. She did know the type that Ben spoke of. She saw it when she was a kid, going to her friend's houses and seeing how their parents behaved. She saw it now, with the kids in school when she worked functions. An over exuberant mother, a withdrawn father. 

“Your dad seems funny though.”

Ben nodded. “He is. He doesn’t show it much because it grates on my mother's nerves, but he can be quite crude when he wants to be.”

Rey smiled. “I think I might like him.”

He laughed. “He already likes you. He also sees more than he lets on.”

Rey remembered the way he had looked at her and Ben on several occasions today and she had to agree. There were a lot of raised eyebrows and smirks in their direction. 

“He never wanted me to become a priest,” Ben said softly, taking another sip of his beer. 

“Why?”

Ben shrugged. “I’m an only child, his only son. And I gave up passing along his name to join the priesthood. I think it broke his heart when I decided to take after my Uncle Luke, but he never said anything to me about it, he always supported my decisions, he was always there. But, I know that he and my mother fought about it. She was so  _ proud _ when I decided to go through with it and be ordained. I know that he saw something today with us, he seemed almost… Proud.”

Rey suddenly felt nervous. “Do you think he will say something to your mother?”

Ben shook his head. “Nah, I doubt that very much. He is probably too giddy at the thought to say anything to her.”

Rey took a long sip of her beer, hardly mollified. 

“It’s okay, Rey.”

She nodded, but still felt the guilt wash over her anew.

“He isn’t the biggest fan of the Church these days anyway, so I doubt he really even cares.”

“Why not?”

Ben sat up and shifted on the floor, one leg bent with his arm resting on it, so he could face her. 

“The same reasons a lot of people are, these days, I suppose. He’s always been a bit more outspoken about it at home, even back in the eighties, when I was a kid. I was so indoctrinated by my mom and my uncle that I thought he was crazy and a blasphemer, to say the things he said. But now, I’m not so sure he was wrong.” 

This surprised Rey. Even though Ben was a young priest, Rey always assumed he was steadfast and hard lined about their teachings, like all men of faith were. 

“Like what?” Rey asked, but he shook his head. 

“No, you tell me first, I know there are things that you don’t agree with either.” 

He was right, of course. During their many talks, she had alluded to her own misgivings about the Church and how it was part of the reason why she left when she was younger. 

“Well, I don’t think that the stance on homosexuality a very Catholic or Christian stance.”

Ben narrowed his eyes in thought and brought his beer to his lips. “I actually quite agree.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You do?”

“Yes. Tell me your thoughts though, I want to hear them.”

Rey curled up in the sofa, tucking her legs under her and tugging the fabric of her dress over her knees as his eyes followed. 

“Well, it’s stated in the Bible that God created us in his image and that we are all perfect because God made us so. Well, why would we think that God made someone gay, and then condemn them as sinners?”

Ben nodded. “Ah, yes. But, the crux is that many believe, and the Church included, that those who engage in homosexual behaviors are  _ choosing _ to, not that you are born that way.” 

“You’re right, but it’s not true.” 

Ben smiled. “I know that, and I agree.” 

“Love is love, and there’s nothing wrong with it. We are all the same. There are many kinds of forbidden love.”

He reached out and touched her knee, an unreadable expression on his face. 

“And,” Rey continued, “To tell people who are religious and god-fearing, who are also gay or bisexual, that they are sinners and going to hell because of how they were born is horrible.” 

They fell silent for a moment and Rey took a deep breath. “Well, even though the Bible says being gay is a sin, its fuzzier about women, so maybe I’m off the hook?” she shrugged and tried to smile to break the tension. Ben laughed. 

“Have you confessed these sins, Miss Jackson? Have you told a priest and received absolution?” 

He shifted onto his knees, his hands planted on the cushion on either side of her hips. Rey felt her heartbeat quicken. 

“No,” she breathed, looking into his eyes. “You told me I have to want to be forgiven in order to receive absolution.”

His mouth hung open slightly at her words, a dumbstruck look coloring his features. Rey watched as his tongue darted out to moisten his lips as he gazed at her, his eyes dark. 

“Tell me anyway,” he said finally. “Tell me your sins of the flesh.” 

Rey bit her lip and shifted back, leaning against the arm of the sofa. 

“There was Kira, I met her in college,” she whispered, and he stared at her, his eyes hungry. “She was the first...ah, she was the first girl I was with.”

“What did you do?” he leaned forward, eager and Rey shifted her legs so he could settle more comfortably between them, his chest pressed to her abdomen. 

She kept her eyes trained on his face as she spoke. 

“She touched me.”

His breathing hitched, but he nodded, thoughtful and interested. “Did you, uh,” he pinched his eyes shut and shook his head once. Rey wanted to answer him without waiting for him to finish his question, she could see how out of his element he was. But, she was just as eager to hear him say it, to hear him say dirty things to her.   
  


He took a deep breath and opened his eyes, having found his resolve. “Did she make you… finish?”

His cheeks were a violent shade of red and Rey, on top of being very turned on, felt like her heart might burst with fondness. 

Rey nodded and his eyes slipped closed again, a low groan emitting from his throat. He leaned down and pressed several warm, open-mouthed kisses over her shoulder and collarbone. 

“What else?” he breathed against her skin, reaching up to push the strap of her dress off her shoulder. 

“There was another girl, from my old job waiting tables. Her name was Mara. She touched me and she put her mouth on me.”

He lifted his head to look at her, confusion settling on his face. “She put her mouth…” his eyes lowered pointedly before he looked back up at her. “There?”

Rey nodded. 

His breathing was heavier, Rey could hear his ragged breathing as he processed this information. 

“And you, you  _ finished _ like that? From her mouth?” His voice was strained, and when she nodded, he groaned again, slipping his arm under her waist and lifting her easily off the couch. He shifted, pulling himself up onto the couch and pressing his hips against hers. She could feel him, all of him, hard between her legs and she moaned, arching her back and rubbing herself against him. 

Rey was beginning to feel desperate for release. She hadn’t minded coming home and taking care of it herself, after their stolen nights of kissing and touching, understanding that he might feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed at the prospect. But, she still wanted to feel him touching her or holding her as she came, feel his breath on her skin as she clung to him. 

He froze, his body going rigid on top of her, and Rey, too, went still. “Are you okay?”

He sucked in a breath and nodded. “I’m just, um, a little  _ affected _ . I might just need a minute?”

Rey reached for him, her hand going into his hair and she drew him closer to her. “It’s okay. Do you want to stop?”

He pressed a kiss to her lips, lingering for a moment before pulling back, his breaths heavy against her mouth. 

“No, no, I’m okay. I just need to…” She glanced up at him as he pinched his eyes shut, again, taking a deep breath in. “I’m fine. I want you to feel good. I don’t want the same thing to happen again, like last night.”

Rey touched his face until he opened his eyes to her again. “We can go slow, or we can do something different.”

He nodded, but he seemed conflicted. “I just want you to feel good.” 

“Okay. I have an idea.” 

Rey shifted, trying to move her legs around until she was able to position herself properly. He still looked confused but groaned, his eyes slipping closed again as Rey settled herself over his thigh, and accidentally brushed her leg against his erection. 

He breathed through his nose for a moment while Rey settled herself more comfortably on the couch. When he opened his eyes, he glanced down again at their position. “How does this work?”

Rey smiled at him. “This is something from my high school days.” She rolled her hips and she felt heat bloom through her, biting her lip to hold back the moan that threatened to escape. She was swollen and needy from his nearness and their conversation, and she knew it wouldn’t take much stimulation to get her there. 

“This feels good, like this,” she explained, and he shifted a little so he could bring his face closer to hers. “And you won’t have any direct contact to, uh, make it more difficult for you.” 

He drew in a breath and released it with a shudder. “I don’t think that will help me much, but I’ll try.”

Rey brought her hands to his face and pulled him closer so she could brush her lips against his. They both sighed. 

They developed a slow rhythm, Rey rocking against Ben’s thigh, her dress bunched around her hips. He kissed her and his hands wandered, smoothing up and down her leg, gripping her thigh whenever she moaned. 

“Please tell me you feel good,” he whispered, dragging his lips to her ear as she arched her back. “I need to know that this feels good for you.” 

She nodded, her breathing loud and quick. “Yes. You feel so good,” she panted, and he reached up to cup her cheek. 

“I’m sorry that I don’t know how to make you feel good like they did,” he murmured, his voice barely audible. Rey pulled away abruptly, her body stilling as she looked in his dark, sad eyes. 

“No,” she said firmly, her arms moving to wrap around his neck, pulling him down flush against her. “No, don’t say that. I am here now with  _ you _ because I want to be here with  _ you _ . You make me feel so good, I crave your touch, I want to be close to you.” She pressed her lips to his firmly, causing him to moan in surprise at the force of her kiss. “I don’t care about any of that,” she continued as she pulled back. “I can show you what I like, and you can show me what you like.”

Ben huffed out a laugh. “I like everything.” 

She smiled and kissed him again, softer this time, lingering for a moment before pulling back. “I like everything, too. I like when you touch me and hold me.” The throb between her legs pulsed insistently and she began to rock her hips against his thigh again. “Do you want to touch me now?”

His eyes went wide and he shook his head quickly. “No, this is fine like this, I’m, uh, not ready for that, if that’s okay?”

“Of course,” Rey breathed, pulling him down to kiss him, her tongue finding his as her hips mimicked the motion of her tongue. 

He broke away after a moment and pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes drawn to her hips as he watched her. 

“Rey,” panted, his voice sounding panicked. “Rey, I don’t think I can… it’s too much.”

“It’s okay, Ben.”

He shook his head. “I don’t want to finish, not like last night. I’m, uh, not at home, and…”

Realization dawned on Rey. “Oh. Okay.” She paused again, trying not to groan at the loss of sensation. She was getting very close and desperately wanted to come and have Ben come too.

“How about this?” she asked as she tugged her dress up, exposing the skin of her stomach and her panties. She saw Ben swallow before his mouth opened wordlessly. 

“Is this okay? If you want to finish here, I don’t mind. Easier cleanup.”

He nodded, his eyes still transfixed on all of the bare skin that she had revealed to him. Rey reached for the button on his jeans, but his hands flew down to stop her, as if finally coming to his senses. 

“Don’t!” he yelled, before repeating himself again, softer. “Don't. It’s okay, I can, uh, I can do it myself.”

Rey tried not to look disappointed as she pulled her hands away; she had been very eager for a while to see and touch him. But, she knew that they were going slow for him, going at the pace that he felt comfortable with. She knew at any moment this could all become too much for him, and he could put a stop to their time together. 

She watched eagerly as he lowered his zipper, revealing a very prominent bulge in the gap of his open fly. Rey felt her breathing quicken merely at the sight of him straining against his grey boxer briefs. 

He glanced up at her uncertainly, and she nodded at him, encouraging him as she started to rock her hips against him once more. She reached for him, one hand on his arm and the other on his hip. “Please,” she breathed. 

He sucked in a breath through his teeth as he finally pulled himself free of his boxers. Rey’s eyes went wide at the sight of him, long and heavy, flushed deep red with want. 

“Oh, God,” Rey moaned, her head lolling back as she arched and pressed herself down against his thigh even harder. 

“Please, don’t bring him into this right now,” Ben muttered, his teeth clenched. Rey looked down to see him stroking himself, his rhythm clumsy and a little too fast. 

Rey felt heat bloom through her at the mere sight of him, and she moved her hips quicker until the heat reached a crescendo and boiled over. She cried out softly, her fingers grabbing Ben’s shoulders as she rode out her orgasm. She opened her eyes to find Ben’s staring down at her with such an intense hunger that made her feel like she might come again. His hand was moving rapidly over his length before he nearly doubled over with a long, low groan and she felt him come, this spend dripping hot over the skin of her stomach. 

Rey moaned happily, watching as his strokes slowed, as he worked himself down, his breathing ragged. After a moment, his whole body drooped, his head dropping to her chest as his body trembled. 

There was a long, still silence before Rey lifted her hand to run through his hair, her fingers scratching at his scalp, eliciting a contented moan from him. He propped himself up on his elbow looking down at Rey’s stomach and then up to her face. “Did you, uh,” he trailed off and she smiled, her hand slipping from his hair to cup his face. She nodded and he smiled, relieved. 

Rey shifted a little under him and he sat up more fully, his eyes lingering once more on the mess he had made of her. “Should I get you something?” He asked, his cheeks still a little pink. 

“Just a paper towel from the kitchen if you don’t mind. And wet it a little?”

He stood, tucking himself back into his jeans— much to Rey’s disappointment— and disappeared into the kitchen, returning quickly with a wad of wet paper towels. “Do you want me to…?” but Rey shook her head and took the towels from him, cleaning herself up before standing, letting her dress fall back into place. 

As Ben straightened his clothes, Rey noticed a large, dark patch on the thigh of his jeans. She bit her lip, feeling a little embarrassed now, too. 

She moved to kiss him on her way back to the kitchen, tapping her finger on his thigh. “Looks like I made a mess of you, too.”

He glanced down and looked back up at her quickly, the ghost of a smirk coming to his lips. He reached toward her, his fingers sliding through the hairs at the nape of her neck, and tugging her up on her tiptoes to kiss her. His lips lingered before he pulled back and pressed them to her forehead. 

“Thank you for being so patient with me.”

She leaned into his embrace. “I know this is difficult, but I don’t mind, as long as you’re comfortable.” 

“I’m always comfortable with you. I know,” he pulled back to look at her face. “I know that this isn’t… easy for a lot of different reasons. But, when I’m with you, it feels right. It feels like it should be okay.” He leaned forward to brush his lips against her gently, as if unable to help himself. “I struggle, and I wonder why God would bring us here together. Surely not to tempt me and test my faith. This is too good.  _ You _ are too good.”

Rey bit her lip and looked away. This was the closest they had ever come to  _ talking _ about what was going on between them. She didn’t know what to say or how to feel about it, she just wanted him, even if it was wrong. 

“I don’t know,” she said, glancing up, “I don’t know the answer any more than you do.”

They looked at each other for a long time, Ben’s hand coming up to cup her face. Rey felt her stomach twist anxiously as he stared, the feeling of hundreds of butterflies swooping in her abdomen.

He sighed and kissed her before pulling away completely and shaking his head. 

“We should go back. I will be missed if I’m gone much longer.”

They drove back to St. Alderaan’s in silence, and Rey worried that something was wrong. But, as they rolled to a stop in front of the rectory, he took her hand and brought it to his lips. 

“I don’t want to leave, but I know I have to.”

Rey smiled. “Me too.” 

He sighed, and it sounded almost like a laugh. “I’ve lost all resolve. Will you meet me in the chapel tonight?” 

Rey felt herself flush, warmth blooming in her. 

She nodded. 

His smile was blinding, as he reached for the door handle. “I’ll see you soon.”

  
  
  


_ Love is patient, love is kind. _

_ It does not envy, it does not boast, _

_ it is not proud...it always protects, _

_ always trusts, always hopes,  _

_ always perseveres. _

**_1 Corinthians 13: 4-8_ **

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that I am behind on comments from chapter 2! I read everything and all of your words mean everything!

**Author's Note:**

> Any questions or concerns, please let me know! I'd love to hear what you think xox


End file.
